2015 entry 1…a new year has opened a tremendous cave under my delicate feet. My set path is no longer established, my future is no longer set. What will be my first challenge?
What will be yours?
Can you climb over that tree that has fallen in your way? Will your feet slip out from under you while the earth quakes? Or will you risk it and jump off the edge? Will you find yourself screaming in terror or soaring into the clouds with only peace carrying you? Is there now a great mountain in the distance blocking your view, an ocean to swim with the waves lapping at your now bare feet, do you feel the sand? Do you have a cave, much like mine, to explore?
2015 entry 2… I feel the ground crumbling under my feet like little pods of life disappearing. My heart beat quickens as I scramble to grab hold of anything around me that’s stable – a fruitless claim.
My fingers clench the dirt as I fall, which decays as soon as my skin touches it. My attempts to save myself from this monstrous dark hole only grow more drastic as I reach, slip, climb, plummet…over and over and over again; until my reality slaps me, ‘there’s nothing left to hold onto.’ The walls of the cave start sliding past me as if they were moving and I was not. And then, only then, do I begin learning to fall gracefully.
My face is wet with hot tears and scorched by my own body’s temperatures. My head pounds against itself; tumbling now my knees are bloodied and scraped as are my hands…torn and twisted from my failed attempts to hold onto the past.
Only darkness surrounds me here. A darkness that has the most beautiful silence. My body lands on the cold, jagged rocks and my mind begins to race, a marathon of visions: pictures of people, memories, laughter, loving and hating and thoughts that I’ve held inside my mind for so long…particles here, traces there.
My most intimate memories.
2015 entry 3….the immense amount of pain searing through my chest is almost unbearable. Without my sight in this darkest of lairs I’m crippled. Pausing for a clear thought in my mottled mind I begin to utilize another God-given sense.
With dirt caked on my fingers like dried icing I am unable to feel any fine details. As I search my chest with my hands I parallel it with a small, feeble prayer to God… praying there is nothing impaled however I’m doubtful. Cooled by the elusive breezes of this cave, my skin is freezing to the touch though it begins to burn again, just a minute spark, then, a raging fire. The stinging is equivalent to a million honeybee stings focalized at my heart.
As I battle against panic mode, I scramble to my feet only to find a different excruciating pain. My legs refuse to hold me. Falling against the rocks a second time just brings me to fury. Out of anger I smack them ruthlessly with only frustration as my guide. Here I am in a hole with no light, no vision, pain coursing through my body and I’m smacking my legs as hard as I possibly can, defeated and desperate for some type of control. I need a sense of control.
I’m overtaken, bound and burdened. Feeling nothing now with my hands but only aching creases of skin from the continuous beating I lash on myself; my body becomes its own manager with no need of me anymore. It now owns me, paralyzes me, making its own choices and inhibiting my every movement. Shall I be weak and give in to its monstrous appetite or shall…I…fight… ?
2015 entry 4…streaks of tears burnt on my face like leftover whip marks. My aching legs burn from the suffering of my own beating. Flight or fight…I will always fight. I do always fight. This is what I do. And even now, this is who I am. For if I am not a fighter, I will for sure be nothing.
I begin to breathe. A new air is in my lungs. Sweet and salty, dense with moisture. Deeper and deeper, holding it longer and longer I begin to crave the freshness of it, like sugar on my lips. The stinging in my chest subsides as I realize the rapid pulsating of my heart was causing the pain.
MY.OWN.PAIN.
I seem to be pretty good at that. Injuring myself, so much so that the scars left in the wake are impenetrable. Though my skin is thick, my heart is inaccessible. I made it that way. Allowing the closest to see my vulnerability, that’s when I lost my grip. My life has been nothing less than training. Always training to conquer, to win, to succeed, to be accepted, to cause jealousy, to cause confusion, to make others doubt. To be all that I could be.
And here I sit, more broken than I ever thought was possible. Conquered by my personal agonizing torture. With the shade drawn now only naked walls are exposed. No light, no vision, no guidance, no goal. My focal point is gone.
I am here. Here..alone. Where should I begin?
2015 entry 5…My mind flies back to better days. The warm sunshine on my face, the heat of the sun driving me on. The greenest grass, the pleasure of my most loved people surrounding me. How did I get here?
Where am I? The darkness is almost surreal to me. Life hidden in the shadows as I strain to see any daylight above me. My eyes are useless, a shield that is no longer capable of protection. Feeling the rocks around me as I sit, I wonder how far is this depth I am in? I can feel a cool breeze from maybe the North? Or South? I cannot even remember my exact location before falling.
Where am I? There is a mossy substance covering my throne of rocks. My tears have dried, though my clothing is glued to me. My hands are torn and wretched from my dirty manicure. Traces of blood I can feel rendering a new skin on my body. One protection taken, a new protection born. Blood. How much blood have I lost? Am I still bleeding anywhere?
Searching my body with my hands it’s hard to tell whether I am still bleeding or it is just dirt from the fall. I am filthy head to toe and bruised, I can definitely feel the soreness. Covered in a thick layer of mud, I find myself laughing. An unbelievable temptation of my over-stimulation and confusion.
How did I fall?
2015 entry 6…After laughing maniacally my blood that remains inside is pumping faster now and my thoughts grow clearer. I don’t know how I fell into this disgraceful pit, all I know is I am here. Surely my loved ones will search for me, surely someone will look for me.
I must do what needs to be done. Without sight, the darkness intensifying around me, I finish ripping my clothes to bandage my known wounds. Trying to stand, I feel streaking pain in my legs and hips, like lightning striking my entire being. I breathe in deeply, between the powerful blows, as I use my touch to feel around me.
Taking a small step to feel my surroundings, the walls are as cold as ice. But I sense a bit of warmth, maybe just from my own heat.
I’ve got to get out of this place. Glancing up again, praying for sunlight or a trace of any light source, I’m tortured by the darkness. Pain seething into my inner warmth I crumble once again. Fallen, broken on this jagged rock. My will is weak, my strength has disappeared, and all I can do is rest. Rest would be good, considering the amount of blood I’ve lost to this tragedy.
I will rest.
2015 entry 7…I take my last bit of torn clothing and wipe the remnants of tears and dirt from my eyes. Even they are battling me to open. Does everything have to be such a chore?
The darkness is still with me; encircling me like sharks next to a dying victim of failed machinery. I close my eyes, squinting and forcefully closing them as hard as I can, mustering a few tears for their weakened and troubled little muscles. The dryness decreases and they decide to surrender, willingly obliging and opening a bit easier now.
Not sure why I even need my sight. A part of human nature I suppose, thinking that to waken my will I must use every ounce of my being. My eyes being the first and, typically, the most important. However in this darkness, I find no strength in them. A short prayer to my God, the God that is supposed to be with me through thick and thin. God, please give me what I need. I send up prayers carefully these days; for He grants many prayers, though in His way not ours.
Now my next feat, stand on my feet. Analyzing my bandaging abilities I’m certainly impressed by my quick-thinking yesterday…or however long ago that was. The blood flow had stopped on the major cuts and I had managed to create a type of bandage AND stabilization for my knee, without even being conscious of it.
Knowing the knots, bruises and dried blood will wash away and heal with time, I also know that scars remain forever. So gently this time, I forge through my blindness and bring myself to a standing position. It hurts, but this time it’s just thunder. The lightning bolts have left this storm.
2015 entry 8… with my feet firmly under me I’m washed with confusion. Pondering where I am, the reality of possibly never seeing light again brings me to tears once more. I frown at myself, my weak, pathetic spirit. Today is a new day, well, if it is even daytime.
The lapse of time has brought a new freedom to me…and with it I’ve climbed inside the darkness and am beginning to cohabitate well with it. Darkness as a friend was not something any motivational speaker would …lecture, though I can feel the darkness in every cell of my body. I think this new friend may be a blessing in disguise, because who knows how terrible my wounds actually look, or how muddy and creepy this dungeon of mine may seem to average eyes.
Stepping forward, my fear and weakness left in my footprints behind me. I embrace the dungeon as if it were a new lover; caressing the walls and memorizing every crevice in the rocky floor. The miniscule sounds tickle my ears with a hint of flirtation. The poignant smells turn from musty to manly to salty to sweet and back again as I venture further down this path.
2015 entry 9… allowing the muddy walls to lead me, I follow as blindly as I did when I could see. Reminiscing to visions of my life prior to this I understand now that I knew not where I was going then. I only had a perception of where life was leading me. I was so understandably wrong. I thought I was normal. An average, everyday gal with a normal job, a normal family, and normal aspirations. These walls are more real to me now than my whole life was before this moment. I skated through my days on average wheels. Being forced to venture into these unknown surroundings only bring past realities into truth, and they were not pleasant.
This new path may be my friend, may be a teacher or a lesson, or may be my killer. Only God knows why I’m even up and moving around. I astonish myself with this crazy odd ability to survive, even when I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to. The fall had torn the very best of me… the appeal I had had since birth was surely gone and would forever be scarred. I will never be the same.
My feet just keep moving, as if minds of their own. The walls seem to be dryer than when I first touched them. The further my invisible leash leads me, the less moisture I feel. Still in complete darkness, though no longer in fear, I continue to make the journey without my sight. I’ve had only myself to converse with since the fall, and the discussions have been a hell of a roller coaster ride. My feet on the ground, my eyes viewless, and all of my previous life’s boundaries disappearing; murky walls and misleading odors replace the senses I once trusted.
2015 entry 10….. further into the depths of this hole I’ve found that it opens to a cave of sorts. When my voice reverberated back to my ears I knew this new dwelling had grown. There are hints of bent reflections though nothing above me to permit them. A shimmer in a dark corner gains my focus and I’m thankful to see something… anything. Although I’ve become comfortable in my darkness, this vision now even as small as a pencil shaving has delivered a hope inside of me. Hope is an odd feeling at best. I amble towards the pencil-shaving sized reflection slowly and hesitantly, unknowing if it is real or if I am imagining this. My imagination has been silenced by this newfound situation, creating a trust in God that is scary and liberating at the same time.
The shimmer of light has bent to a radiant violet color. And I continue towards it. Glancing above for the reason of this light I see nothing and lay my faith with God.
My feet are sore but carry on as if nothing could stop them, they too are enlightened by this treasure. The ground below is warmer and not nearly as moist. Walking has become easier now as I am one step closer to hope.
2015…entry 11 My weak ankles tighten as I sludge through the mixture of mud, dirt and rocks beneath me. My shelter becomes warmer the closer I get. My skin reacts to the warmth as if a loving hand was stroking the fear away.
Gaining clearer perception, my treasure glistens in the hidden light as my heart matures into the muscle it was born to be. The beats are powerful and real, as if I hadn’t felt them before now. Painstakingly, my hope carries me closer as my shell of a body conforms to the agony of movement and the ability to hope.
So close to my imagination I beg for no tricks, only treats. I begin to realize that the pencil-shaving was merely a rock, or more of a mineral. In my previous endeavors this would have been a mere rock to cast aside and pay no attention. Though now as my pupils adjust, a lustrous and rich violet hypnotized my entire being.
My eyes though tortured and naked drank in this innocent vision; fulfilling a craving inside that just became known. My heart beats to the same rhythm. My vision is clear and crisp. Something I considered may be lost from me forever.
The violet colored quartz is smooth to the touch as I knelt beside it. Careful not to disturb this precious gift, I caress it gently, sliding my worn fingertips across the sharp edges. A tear dwindles at the corner of my eye, joyful in nature, because I can now see.
2015…entry 12 Staring into this innocent rock of hope, I notice there are glimmering fractions of light shining through my tattered shirt from underneath. Puzzled and yet still consumed by the treacherous new feelings abounding inside, I slide my beaten hands under my shirt and carefully skim the source of my distraction. As if the pieces of hope were reaching out of my skin a shard of glasslike mineral protruded from my ribs. Though fear began to stealthily creep into my mind I continued to feel the wound, forbidding the devil to ruin this magnificence for me. The shard became more violet in color as if competing with the rock below me. Gently I placed my fingertip and thumb around it and it left my skin without a drop of blood lingering. I brought it closer to my newfound eyes and the reflection it shined back at me was not myself, it carried a memory of one of the worst events in my life, the climax of the event replayed on this insidious shard of memory; my subconscious captive was released right in front of my eyes, out of my own body. I gazed into it, amazed, cringing at the sight, tears falling steadily now as the memory brought the hurt and pain back to my reality.
My tears caused the shard to glow brighter as I watched the event to completion. And as one last tear fell into my hand, swabbing the edges of the memory, it faded as the shard faded and became nothing. The only evidence left was a small cut in the middle crease of my palm with only one droplet of blood escaping.
2015…entry 13 As I stared, mesmerized at my empty fingertips the overwhelming affect of my memory lurched at my insides. My heart felt as if it were exploding and the pain, excruciating. Unable to see through my tears, I ran my blistered fingers under my shirt to calm my aching chest. The desperate pleas to control my breathing only caused more panic and the realization of the memory caused sinister thoughts to penetrate my mind.
My mind’s eye focused on the crystalized memory that had replayed in it’s own fullness, and began attacking as a bully, penetrating all controls I thought I had. Anger and hatred welled inside and my tears turned from pain to burning angst. Without escape and without control I delve deeper into what only I could see inside. The lurking fears that had once entangled my past came back with a vengeance, and shared its passion with my present.
2016 entry 1… Unable to recover from the images reversing my progress, I stumble to my feet; reaching for anything of substance. The walls were again grimy and my body seethed of dirt and filth. The crystallized memories were tossed and fractured in front of me to relive and regroup and rebel. Panic-stricken, I grope my chest to be sure the pain of my breathing was still stuck inside me and the pounding of my chest had not opened a wound too big to heal.
Trickles of soured… memories mixed and interacted with each other on the walls of the cave, creating the ultimate terror for me. With no more tears left to give, I scanned the cave with the small slivers of light from my memories and began to walk towards them. To walk through these events cast before me yet again seemed the only path to take. I had to get through this. Brace myself, deep breath, and here I go with little understanding of why. Faith in myself was all I had at this moment, and it was lacking.
ChoBlu 